Hi folks. I am very tired today. I don’t know why I am so tired but I don’t care. I am supposed to do a re-exam of this failed calculus course in early March, but it’s very likely the case that I will fail again. The issue is that I don’t have enough time to train myself, I don’t believe so, but I will try. One thing that has been a problem for me is partial fraction integration or whatever it’s called, because there are so many rules and I just can’t keep track of them all. I feel that this calculus course could’ve been structured in a different way. But it is what it is. Is partial fractions the most important part of a calculus course? Probably not, but I’m not in charge. I don’t know why I am so tired, but I am super tired today and depressed. I don’t have much to look forward to and I’m out of money. It’s just what it is. I don’t even have any video games to look forward to because I just can’t get out of my comfort zone. Also, it’s hard trying to study maths when you’re as tired as I am. I’m gonna need to be realistic here with myself: where am I supposed to go in life? I don’t know, but it really sucks right now. But at least I have the fact that it’s getting lighter and lighter outside. Maybe I’m sick for like the first time in over two years? Maybe, but I don’t care. It’s 12.31 p.m. over here and I know that I most likely won’t be finished with my blogging until it’s almost 4 o’clock, because it takes many hours to write these blog posts. Well, this blog post usually takes a short amount of time to write to be fair. I don’t know. I am just tired and depressed right now. I guess I should be trying to not over think everything so much, but I am an over thinker. I don’t know if it is that I’m not sleeping enough or whatever. But my health seems to be good enough. LOL! I was kinda feeling better this time last year because I wasn’t stressing out about everything. I think that if I would get sick in a bad way that I would just allow myself to die. Like, what kind of future am I supposed to have? I’m talking about quality of life here. I’m never going to amount to anything and nothing’s going to get better from this point onward. It’s nothing but bad and then more bad things ahead. I really don’t want to be around in 2030. That would just suck so hard. But I’ll probably be around in 2030 and I don’t foresee myself being any closer to being productive or successfull at that point. So, unless I win the lottery my life’s just going to suck. It’s okay for life to suck, I know. Why am I so unable to study maths these days? Well, I don’t know. It takes too long, and I am too tired. Again, I will try to focus on partial integration, but I don’t believe that a calculus course should fall on the basis that I got some partial fractions wrong. Yes, I got them wrong. I will try to get it right. If I was designing a calculus exam, I would have a part on the exam where I just asked questions about derivatives, integrals, and some applications of those. That part would be the easy part and if you passed that part, you passed the exam and I would award you the lowest grade. If you want a higher grade, then you’d have to pass the second part. I would also just have three grades, failed, passed, and passed with honors, that’s it. I don’t feel that 4 or more grades are helpful, not for a calculus course during the undergraduate level. The important thing is to pass those students that can clearly show that they know and understand the basics of the course. But it is what it is. I am so tired but because I am tired I just can’t be bothered to stress, and that’s a relief. Not having being able to stress is helpful. I’ve also given up on Minecraft. I am just not interested in Minecraft, I’ve grown apart from Minecraft, and that’s okay. I don’t need to play something that I just am not interested enough to engage with. I don’t care about the create mod, it’s too complicated and I just cannot be bothered. I miss the old days of FTB. I guess I should be focusing on building some kind of ME system, since this mod pack that I run on the server includes applied energistics 2, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to power that ME system. I also can’t stand having to mine and mine for resources. I don’t even know where to find iron because they keep changing it all the time. Yes, I love that Minecraft is a game that is “alive” so to speak, but I just must admit that it gets really tiresome having to deal with them constantly changing where certain ores appear in the game; I don’t think the phrase “spawn in” would make sense for a non-entity. Look, I am just really tired, depressed, and deflated at the moment. Will I pass this calculus course? I don’t know, but I know that I can pass it, but that requires me to study up a little bit more. The biggest reason I failed the course was not that I wasn’t studying calculus, even though I was slow and far too blasé about what I had to do, I failed the course because I just didn’t give myself the opportunity to understand what kind of problems they would put on the calculus exam, because those problems where completely different from the problems I where solving in the book. I made this course more difficult than it had to be, and that’s because I am stubborn and conservative in how I learn stuff; I just don’t want to change my ways. Essentially, me not attending the lectures and not reading the course material besides the book, just set me up for failure and if I had allowed myself earlier to catch that I was not studying the course in the right way, I would've had time to maybe change myself. Now, I’ve got a little bit more than two weeks, and that’s just not enough. I do believe that I have a second chance to pass this course in June, so I will be looking into that. But I don’t think I will be able to pass this course in March, because I’ve wasted all of January and more than half of February doing nothing. Catching up on what I need to get better at and on top of that preparing for the kinds of problems that will appear on the exam, is just not going to happen, it’s too late right now. At least I am changing in this way: instead of refusing to accept that it is too late for me to pass this exam in March, I am planning ahead for the exam in June. This means that I need to at least do two things: I need to check and then double check that I am able to take the exam in June, and it also means that I need to get cracking. By June I should be able to pass this course with flying colors, provided that I actually prepare. Look, I’m only allowed to study 50% anyways, so I’m not in a rush and I don’t have any need to pass this course in March anyways. I knew back in late December and early January that I had just completely missed the boat on this course and that I was going to fail, and instead of accepting that and trying for it in March instead I just failed the course and then crashed out. That was a stupid thing to do and really just a form of self sabotage. I have made up my mind, if I am able to take the exam in June I will take the exam in June and start to actually do this course the way I was supposed to do it from the start. It’s not an issue of me being not intelligent enough, it’s an issue of me not being willing to change my ways. It’s February 16th as I’m writing this post and if the exam is in June somewhere, I should have more than enough time, if I actually study a little bit every day, to pass this course and maybe even ace it. I don’t need the best or the highest grade in this course, but I also wouldn't mind either, but I want to pass this course. So I need to get cracking, and the first step towards that is for me to not set myself up for failure again. If I had accepted in early January that there was no point in me taking the exam, then I could’ve been ready to take the exam now in March and I probably would’ve passed the course. The only good thing that came out of taking the exam back in January was that I was informed, too late of course, that I wasn’t allowed to write solutions on the back of the paper, which is another stupid rule that someone should’ve told me well before the exam. But anyways, I am going to email my examiner just to double check that I am allowed to take the exam in June. If I’m not allowed, for whatever reason, to take the exam in June, well then I’m going to have to do my best to pass the exam in March, but it’s just too late at this point and the only thing that could make me pass the exam would be luck, and I’ve not been that lucky as of late so I’m not going to be counting on that. Well, it’s almost 1 p.m. and I have like 1 minute left before I’m supposed to be done with this. So, I’m out. Signing out.
Reginald Drax – February 17, 2026.
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