Hi folks. I am not as high on ADHD medication today as I was the other day, and I must admit that it was really nice being that high. I just took my second Ritalin today, but it’s going to take some time before it starts to work on me. I didn’t wake up at 7 a.m., so my routine keeps being messed up. I don’t know what happens with time in the evenings, but I always manage to get to sleep around half past 12, which means that I am at least one and a half hour too late in bed and the result is that I don’t wake up at 7 a.m., and instead I end up sleeping some more or even more worthless I end up laying in bed watching stuff on my phone. I can’t help this because I am so tired. It’s kinda worthless waking up at like 7.45. a.m., because then I’m too late for just getting up and eating breakfast, so I just end up not getting out of bed. I have to solve some problems for myself and I am not really doing that right now, which is a problem for me. LOL! It’s a problem that I can’t solve problems. Once my ADHD medication started to wear off I ended up becoming very anxious and just on edge for about two hours before I ate a very late dinner which seems to have calmed me down. The reason I ate such a late dinner is because I have a very hard time putting anything in my mouth when I’m on edge. I gather this was because I mixed Concerta with Ritalin, which I did today as well, but we’ll just have to see how I react. I am actually starting to feel that I’m on edge right now, but that’ because I am stressing out really, really bad and because it’s like 2.30 a.m. I am also spending way too much time on my Ethereal Insights posts every day. I don’t know what to do about that stupid fucking blog, but it’s taking up all my energy that I should spend on something else. I need to just allow myself to not take myself so seriously, especially when no-one’s actually reading my blogs. I don’t think I’m a narcissist, but I do take myself way too seriously at times. But enough about my blogs. I need to start to learn to manage time, because I am wasting way too much of my time. How am I supposed to be faster? I don’t know how to be faster, but I do know that I am wasting too much of my time. Like, if I wake up at 7 a.m., I feel that I should be able to be finished with most of my work out by 10 a.m., which is a reasonable thing to believe. I guess I am going to need to go back to clocking myself, but if I am going to wake up at 9 a.m., I just feel that there’s no point to me clocking myself so I just end up giving up on that too and wasting my time wasting just balloons. Look, my body has clearly found a new routine for me, which is why I am waking up at 9 a.m. and going to bed at 12.30 a.m. Look, It’s clear that I need to find a way to get back to being productive, but I am just a mess right now, and I really regret my decisions up until this point, but I can’t just stop writing blogs, because then I will have nothing else to do. I should try to get up at 5 a.m. or at 6 a.m. just to get most of my stuff done in the early morning so that I can move on with more important stuff later. HAHAHAHA, I skipped breakfast last Friday, and I guess I could've just as well skipped breakfast today. One thing that I’ve noticed is that once I wake up I just have these sleep hormones stuck in my brain that make me foggy and tired. I think the best routine is to get up and eat breakfast before doing anything else, but if I am waking up at 9 I want to get my room cleaning done so that I am mentally finished with that and it took me, I am not kidding, 2 hours to get done with my room today. I hate myself so much. But here I am forcing myself to write yet another stupid blog post. The best thing that could happen to me is that someone external inerviend and shuts this page down, because I can’t do it myself. I am so strong and yet so weak at the same time. I always end up messing everything up. I guess that I am a bit too hard on myself as well, but that’s just that. Well, I am going to try to pass this failed Calculus course, but since my life’s a mess right now that’s going to be a very hard thing to do. But I’ve come to the conclusion that the main issue for me when it came to that Calculus course was that I didn’t follow the curriculum. See, I only did the exercises in the book and didn’t do any exercises in the course curriculum, almost none at least, and the result was not that I didn’t learn, but that I wasn’t prepared for the kinds of questions/exercises that came up on the exam, and once I realized that the exam exercises where not hard but more tedious and you had to present your solutions in a good way, I just realized that I was going to fail. Look, I knew before taking the exam that I was almost certainly going to fail, because I didn’t allow myself to prepare enough and that’s because I’ve not handled my time correctly and I’ve just missmanaged everything. If I had sat down and actually allowed myself to skip the stress over these blog posts and looked up the course curriculum, then I would’ve understood what kinds of problems I should’ve trained on to pass this exam. The problems I solved in the Calculus book were basically easy problems that didn’t require anything other than me giving an answer, and that just didn’t prepare me well. I also just didn’t learn certain topics in Calculus well enough, such as fractional integration and differential equations and stuff like that. Or I did learn them, but since I just didn’t allow myself to take proper exercises that involved such problems, I ended up not being good enough. I don’t know why I am this way? For some reason I feel that the world’s going to end if I just stop with these blog posts. See, this blog is central to my problems. Yes, writing these posts doesn't take a long time, but it takes a lot of my mental energy because I am stressing out so much about it all the time. I wish I never started Ethereal Insights, and I don’t know why I did in the first place, but here I am and I think I am going to have to stop writing that blog because it doesn't add anything to my life that I need. Without Ethereal Insights this blog might just be manageable. But my main problem is that I keep mismanaging time and that just means that I end up not having any time for something else. The main reason why I end up wasting so much of my time is because when I am stressing out about something, the stress ends up overwhelming me and I end up becoming paralyzed and unable to do anything. It’s so bad that I’m not really focusing on anything anymore, I’m just living in the moment trying to diffuse my stress with a stream of information coming in from the internet. This is a disaster and a huge problem that I am going to have to do something about if I am going to be able to study. So, it’s not even these blog posts that waste my time, it’s everything else. I need to go back to what I did in late November and early December of waking up at 6.30. a.m. and not allowing myself to watch my phone until after I am finished with the things I am supposed to do that day. I also need to try to get my stomach in order, but these last couple of days my stomach problems have been less severe; so it comes and goes. Look, my problems are small but the problems that I face are hard to define and exist on a level, a little bit at least, beyond my control. I need to be able to do what I want to do once I’ve decided to do something, but today has mostly been a waste because it’s like 3 p.m. in the afternoon right now, so there’s just not much I’m going to be able to do with that. I just don’t have the energy to study in the evenings anymore and that’s probably because of my messed up sleep. That’s the thing as well with me, I am constantly on edge and that’s also something that ends up making me paralyzed. Well, I am going to try to wake up at 6.30 a.m. tommorow and then I’ll report back here to see if I succeeded. I’d say that I have a less than 50% chance of succeeding, but we’ll just have to see. Well, I’m out. Signing out.
Reginald Drax – February 3, 2026.
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