Hi folks. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I was stopped the other day by the police because they, or someone else, thought that I was drunk. Well, I wasn’t drunk and the Police officers quickly realized that I wasn’t drunk. Apparently someone thought that I had a hard time walking in a “swaying” manner. Well, I do have some issues with my foot still and y’know I had and maybe I still have an infection in my foot. I did use sunglasses as well when it was dark and I understand that y’know people might find that weird but then again I should be allowed to wear sunglasses if I want to. But I’m not angry, the situation was resolved and I feel it was kinda funny because this isn’t the first time. It could be that I’m not sleeping enough and I don’t know, maybe I’m just not that self-aware, something that I’ve written about in the past. Yes, I don’t tend to be very self-aware but ironically I am self-aware enough to have realized this about myself. But I think that I tend to be off in my own world a little bit when I’m out and about and I just tend to not be aware of myself in relation to my surroundings, and the biggest reason for that is that I have a lot of anxiety when I’m outside. I know that almost no-one cares about me but I just can’t control the feeling that everyone’s paying attention to me. I am often shocked when I look at myself in a photograph and that’s kinda a weird thing: not being able to identify with your own image. I don’t know if that's some kind of autistic thing? But I do know that I look the way I look but in my mind I still don’t align with that look. I guess I have a pretty lively fantasy and sometimes I just get stuck in that imaginary world and I guess I don’t have the tools to help myself get into reality. But I don’t feel that I’m disconnected from reality. Indeed, I’ve always felt that I’m painfully aware of reality, to a fault but maybe I’m living in an imaginary world. I don’t know? I just feel that if people think I’m drunk when I’m not I need to figure out why. Since this has happened twice I feel that it could potentially be a problem? Or maybe it’s just a fluke? Well, the thing is that a fluke tends to happen once, it’s a fluke, right? I don’t know. I don’t want to waste too much time thinking about it and I have no intention of trying to engage in some kind of self improvement but if there’s something small that I could improve I would but I’d need to figure out what’s wrong with me if I’m supposed to improve. I guess that I could struggle to identify myself on a CCTV feed. I wouldn't be surprised actually. But I’ve always had this issue. When I was a kid I remember being perplexed seeing myself on photographs and on camera, and I just didn’t connect. I don’t know why? Maybe there’s some kind of psychological thing that could explain it? I don’t know. But it’s not even that I’m that ugly. Look, I’m not conventionally attractive but I don’t think I’m ugly and in some pictures I’ve actually been pretty good looking but I’ve still felt a disconnect. So, I don’t believe it’s a matter of me not wanting to accept my appearance. Well, it is what it is but I don’t think I’m going to magically change or improve myself. I think that there’s at least this upside to my condition: I don’t need to worry much about feeling attractive and that’s actually a great relief because it seems that people, more girls than guys but still some guys, are obsessed with being attractive. I guess I don’t need to worry about that and I don’t need to waste money and stuff. I don’t think I’ll ever have a sexual partner and I must admit that I am completely happy and comfortable with that idea. I just don’t have the need for it, at least not now and I don’t see any reasons why that would suddenly change. I don’t think I’ve ever had a libido, and that’s actually not bad. I mean, if you’re not attracted or if you don’t have a sexual impulse then you won’t notice when it’s gone and even if you used to have a libido and now you don’t, you won’t miss it. I don’t find people attractive. So what? So fucking what? I don’t miss being attracted to people or needing to feel validated by people. I’m more than happy not having to deal with that nonsense, and it’s not like I’m very attractive myself which means that I’m not missing out on anything. If I did have a normal libido I don’t think I would’ve been able to find a partner anyways. So what’s the loss on my part? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I am glad that I don’t have to deal with these primordial impulses and I am glad that I get to just be passive and observe the world. I’ve always prefered to be passive, which isn’t a conventionally masculine trait but then again I don’t care much about conventional masculinity. I just need to be me, but I guess I would prefer myseöf being more aligned with my own appearance. I do believe I wrote a little bit about physiognomy recently and I concluded that it was complete bullshit and I still believe that, but it’s scary how much people assume all sorts of things about you because of your appearance. I’ve also just realized again how racist most people are, it’s actually shocking. People just aren’t open about their racism, but I don’t want to make this about race again, because I’ve written so much about that, for some reason. But it’s just unfair that some people should face a harder life due to how people perceive them; that’s just not right in my humble, well not so humble actually, opinion. I also don’t believe that photographs lie. So all this nonsense about you being more good looking than what you are in photos is just nonsensical, in my opinion. I think part of becoming more self-aware should be accepting reality. I mean, if you’re not accepting reality then don’t expect to live in reality and then don’t be surprised when you don’t align with that reality. Yes, I know that I’ve been writing alot about leaving the world behind, but let’s not kid ourselves, I’m not a multimillionaire, I can’t just drop out, even though I wish I could sometimes or actually most times. LOL! Well, well, I guess that these smartphone cameras tend to distort features and I guess lightning does matter, but I don’t care. I need to do this and that means not doubting the camera! JK LOL! I just needed to use the JK LOL phrase. LOL! I like writing like that actually. Well, I never do but I still like it. LOL! I’m actually out soon. Signing out.
Reginald Drax – November 15, 2025.
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